


It's hard to say.

by hollywoodnocturne



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Altenative Universe - No Capes, Alternate Universe - College/University, Conner is dead, English is not my language, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Jason is really confused, Jason is six years older than Tim, Jason is trying really hard not to fall for Tim, Kori and Jason dated Dick, M/M, Maybe Jason is the only one confused, Multi, Platonic Cuddling, Self deprecating Jason Todd, They're not brothers but friends, Tim is giving Jason some mixed signals, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Who knows what Tim thinks about Jason, but they're not over Dick at all, mentions of Donna Troy, so much confusion on this one, so much resignation on the second chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-07 02:06:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12831039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollywoodnocturne/pseuds/hollywoodnocturne
Summary: Jason is utterly confused.Does Tim see him as a brother? An older brother whom he can confide?  Does Tim see him as a best friend? Jason knows Tim doesn’t have many friends and that he doesn’t open up to people that easily. Does Tim see him as something else? No. Tim have Stephanie, Tim is talking to Steph right now, typing happily while Jason waits for their kebabs to be ready.*Or the one where Jason is getting romantic feelings for Tim but is kinda scared to approach it and ask Tim if that peculiar relationship between them means something else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As the tags said, english is not my first language, it's spanish so maybe my grammatic is wrong, I apologize.
> 
> No beta because it's the first time in years I've written something and got around to publish, so spare my mistakes. Also this is the first work I've done for this fandom, please, have mercy.
> 
> Jason is a redhead but his hair is currently black because reasons.

 

Jason was typing his analysis of Roldan’s Song while messaging Tim on his phone, making fun of the amount of times Roldan died and woke up, because drama, and how gay his relationship and last words to Oliveiros were, trying to convince Tim to read the poem. Tim was typing lots of ‘hahahahaha’ and Jason’s cheeks were hurting for smiling for so long. It was ridiculous.

 

Jason was aware that his crush on Tim was no longer a crush, it was something purer, something deeper and, hell, Jason was gonna hit himself against the wall if his mind kept going back to those thoughts. Jason tried to convince himself that his attraction to Tim was merely because Tim reminded Jason of Dick, but it was a lie, Tim wasn’t like Dick. Dick was pure energy, a puppy boosted on sugar, a sneaky cat rubbing against his leg and some other body parts; where Dick was all energy and honest talk, Tim was a taciturn, reclusive guy. Tim was nothing like Dick at all, Tim was a freaking genius, so smart it made Jason feel stupid, Tim was an owl, big blue eyes analyzing everything, boosted on coffee and trying to go unnoticed.

 

Tim wasn’t Dick but Jason liked to lie to himself.

 

It was getting outta hand if he could be honest, they were always looking for each other, always making time for lunch at some café or a quick run at the trucks parked near the entrance of college, they always ended up eating hot dogs or kebabs and drinking coffee and juices from the trucks, anyways. It was totally ridiculous, they were hugging for no apparent reason, if one of them were feeling sleepy they would lean over the other, they would snuggle while sitting on the corridors or touching each other’s arms… It was getting pretty gay if he was honest, not that that bothered Jason, but Tim, Tim was something Jason couldn’t name yet and was too afraid to ask.

 

Tim was talking to Steph again, every single night.

 

Steph was the reason Tim had those gigantic dark bags under his eyes, like a raccoon, like a cute tiny raccoon chocking on coffee and smiling at his phone. But Jason couldn’t say anything, the only thing he could do was ask about Steph, how she was doing at Metropolis, ask how she was feeling and how living with Cass was like, ask if he was planning to visit her this weekend and what his parents thought about her; the only thing Jason could do was smile and listen to Tim ramble about her.

 

This was really confusing for Jason and his tiny brain.

 

So, the only thing Jason could come about, to convince himself, and maybe fool himself, that he wasn’t at all into Tim was spending time with Kori and Roy. Usually just Kori, Roy was really busy with his degree to be bothered, not that Jason or Kori minded. So Kori, maybe aware that Jason’s eyes lingered too much on Tim, maybe totally ignoring it, started to go seeking Jason after lessons, hugging him every time they meet and staying there for long seconds. Jason loved hugs, really, he was a total sucker for those, he could lose himself in the warm solid presence of someone else, lose into the perfume on their necks, the aroma or their hair and the soft breathing, the comfortable rise of their chest and the lulling beating of their heartbeats. Maybe he was really touch starved after Dick.

 

Dick was all hands, zero personal space, always clinging and finding a way to touch the others, Jason loved that, Jason loved the way Dick would come to him and hugged him from behind, standing on the tips of his toes to lean over Jason’s shoulder, crushing him, breathing against his neck, smelling his hair, pressing his legs tight against Jason hips and pulling, possessively, almost scratching at his chest, at his arms, at his back, exhaling hot puffs of breath against Jason’s mouth, moving his hands against every single body part he could reach, losing himself, staring straight into Jason’s eyes, counting his freckles, sighing every time a sun ray hit Jason’s eyes making them change color.

 

Damn.

 

Jason was so fucked up he could throw himself into the killer traffic at the interstate just to alleviate his sorrows and avoid thinking how pathetic his life had turned since Dick and him had split and Jason thought going back to college would be a good idea.

 

At least Kori was there, sadly Barbara was there too and he had to see, occasionally, some disgusting Dick kissing Barbara. Jason loved Babs, she was just plain lovely and so smart Jason was jealous of her brain and ability, maybe he was a little jealous of her for having Dick wrapped firmly around her pinky. But he wasn’t jealous about her having Dick at all, not at all, just about her having a relationship, about her being totally in love and being loved in return.

 

Jason missed feeling loved. Jason missed… love.

 

Right now he was standing in line at one of the food trucks, Tim beside him, smiling that cute smile and looking up at Jason as if nothing else in the world existed, totally focused on Jason story about the time he and Roy almost got caught by the GCPD for drinking at the park. Jason was explaining and paying attention at the progress in the line, with his fifty in hand, ready to pay before Tim, even if he was pretty much bankrupted and Tim was pretty much one of the richest guys at Gotham; Jason loved the look on Tim’s eyes every time Jason would pay first, the smile when he would make Tim accept the food in exchange of paying for his bus or whatever Jason felt like could ask, with was not much at all, maybe some candies, maybe a steamy hot dog at the end of the day, maybe a cup of coffee when Jason was cold, maybe some fruit Tim would bring from home to share with him.

 

Jason is utterly confused.

 

Does Tim see him as a brother? An older brother whom he can confide? Does Tim see him as a best friend? Jason knows Tim doesn’t have many friends and that he doesn’t open up to people that easily. Does Tim see him as something else? No. Tim have Stephanie, Tim is talking to Steph right now, typing happily while Jason waits for their kebabs to be ready.

 

Jason turned away from Tim. It stings a little, he’s not gonna deny it. Thankfully, thanks every single deity ever existed, Kori comes up with a long, lazy, warm smile, one that reach Jason insides and makes him feel like buzzing and ready to pounce. She hugs him tightly, curving her arms around Jason’s torso and burying her face against Jason’s neck, just breathing. Jason is so grateful. He returns the hug with the same energy, closing his eyes and inhaling the fruity aroma of Kori’s long, soft and wavy hair, brushing his lips against her neck, her jawbone, her cheek and stopping there. Kori looks straight at his eyes, and the look is different from what Dick used to give him.

 

Jason knows why.

 

They’re afraid, both of them are afraid and insecure about the other. Kori’s still in love with Dick, funny how life can be, right? Dick dated Kori after Jason and somehow, after splitting, both redheads became friends. Jason is still in love with Dick, even after all those years he can’t stop thinking about how happy he was with him, how perfect life was and how good couple they were. Jason knows. Kori feels something for Roy, but she’s not sure about him either, she’s not sure if she should throw herself at Roy or throw herself at Jason. Jason feels something for Tim but he’s not sure if Tim would feel something beyond friendship for him. Jason doesn’t know if spit his feelings at Tim and hope for the better or give the next step with Kori and forget about everyone else.

 

Does all redheads have bad luck at love? Or is just them? God, even Roy had a horrible breakup and nobody talks about it anymore, just like nobody talks about the fact that Kori and Jason know every single inch of Dick and how he smirks when he’s going down and how he laughs when he have you at his mercy and begging, of how they both know how to destroy all coherent thought in Dick with just a move and a good husky word.

 

And now Tim is waiting for them, two kebabs at hand and two coffees over the counter, just looking at them with that peculiar smile that haunts Jason’s nightmares. Is that fucking non revealing smile, the one that is more a poker face than anything, the one that is more like he’s expecting something, something to happen, something to let him know how to act. That fucking smile and pretty eyebrows trying not to tell that he’s thinking, that he’s wondering stuff. Jason doesn’t know if Tim is waiting for them to confirm their relationship so he can congratulate them or if that is for something else. Jason is going crazy for that goddamn smile and its meaning.

 

Kori lets go, but not at all, she stays inside Jason's personal space while he takes his food and turns to her with a soft voice telling her to drink coffee and bite the kebab, she never eats his food, but she never denies him the coffee. Jason would love to buy her one of those giant fruit salads that she surely love, with lots of honey and cream and chocolate chips, because she eats like that and he loves it even if he finds it strange. Jason would love to bake her some of those orange muffins, he’d love to cook those veggie meatballs with lime or that carrot cake he saw at tv. But Kori just thanks him with a sweet smile and hands back the cup, side hugging him and saluting Tim.

 

Tim, whose smile changes and ask Kori about her day.

 

Jason starts to walk toward the grass, looking for some place to sit and eat before running back to class, Kori sits beside him, a feet away and Jason hates that so he makes her sit closer and leans against her head, both taller redheads snuggling together while Jason tries, and fails, to don’t stain his tee-shirt. Kori just points at the stains of sauce but doesn’t make any attempt to clean. If they were alone, Jason is sure she would reach with a napkin and laugh, but Tim is here looking sideways at them and eating, listening to Jason’s conversation with Kori, typing on his phone with one hand.

 

Kori kisses Tim on the cheek as a good bye, and stares Jason down, breathing deeply before kissing his cheek, for a second Jason would have sworn he saw her staring at this lips and predicting the trajectory of those pretty lips towards his but moving in the last second to then waving her hand and walking away. Jason wonders if Kori notices too, if Kori sense the tension between Tim and him, but he’s too afraid to ask, because if he does, he would be admitting at loud that he feel something and if he say it out loud then it’s real and there’s no way that would let Jason act around Tim as if nothing were happening.

 

Jason comments some stuff about Kori, the way her hair is getting longer and how much he likes it, and the way she never wears a jacket but that plain hoodie, the hoodie that she stole form Dick, well, Jason doesn’t say the last part because there’s no need; just like there’s no need to tell Tim that the scarf that’s currently covering both their legs as an improvised blanket was knitted by Dick and Jason never gave back, but Jason is an idiot and says the last part and Tim looks straight at the three some feet away from them, with that little frown of him, the one that sometimes goes with the no comment smile.

 

And Jason wants to bang his head against the wall, against the concrete bench, against the floor, whatever.

 

Tim changes the topic and Jason doesn’t know if to be grateful because either he can sense that Dick still hurts and gets Jason to close a little or get mad because Tim sense how uncomfortable things get around topics related to Dick... Or if Tim gets uncomfortable because Jason still thinks about Dick, with love and longing and that bothers him…

 

Maybe that’s what Tim wonders about.

 

Maybe that’s what Tim ask himself when he see Jason with Kori, maybe he can tell there’s tension between the redheads because of Dick and insecurities and he doesn’t know how to approach the topic or if he’s allowed to give his opinion about their relationship and give some advice or warnings. Maybe that’s what the frown and the fucking smile means after all, that Tim can see Jason is not in love with Kori and that Kori is trying to have feelings for Jason but at the same time she’s trying to get away, maybe Tim can see how disastrous Kori and Jason would be together, maybe he can see that they are not sure if it would work and if love can really bloom. Hell, even Jason can’t tell if their attraction can hold meanwhile they let their insecurities go and throw themselves at each other and yell ‘fuck you dick’ while they ride into the sunset…

 

Jason is getting a headache.

 

But Tim is leaning against him and Jason scouts a little closer and tries not to close his eyes. He rubs his temples and then move away, pulling some pills from his backpack and swallowing them with some cold coffee. Jason leans back, resting his head against the cold wall and brushing his knee against Tim’s, they’re sitting in the cold, out in one of the exterior corridors, wasting some time, ignoring they have class right now, ignoring that Jason is gonna fail history and Tim is gonna have to get an A in his last test if he wants to pass differential equations or something, Jason doesn’t know the maths to be honest, he can’t tell them apart besides geometry and algebra, the rest is something that make his head hurt and wonder how different he’s from Tim.

 

Tim is amazing.

 

Tim can solve those freaky equations is seconds, he can fix a computer in minutes and hack some governmental shit without getting caught. Tim is this short, pale and slim guy. Tim is this kid six years younger than Jason that laughs more and more as they spend time together. Tim is this dorky guy that accepts to read every single thing Jason sends his way, from novels to philosophy, from horror to poems. Tim is the short guy that has never seen Star Wars but somehow knows every single line from the hobbit and every Tim Burton movie ever made. Tim is the guy that eats so many shit and cholesterol and fries and never gets fat, the guy that drinks his weight in coffee and sleeps barely four hours per day.

 

Tim is the guy that is anchoring himself on Jason’s heart, the guy that sometimes makes Jason daydream and cringe for letting his mind wander away, the guy that confuses Jason so much, the one that Jason is starting to fall in love but trying so hard not to.

 

 


	2. Cute Without the E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason is no longer confused, but resigned, he accepts he's in love with Tim but he also accepts that maybe he's trying to get a copy relationship of what he had with Dick but using Tim instead.
> 
> Mentions of Dick and Jason relationship, Donna and stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this earlier but lovely @MenteEnBlanco is busy so I'm risking myself, because I'm pretty desperate and have zero self-control, to post it without beta reading. Again, if you find something wrong with grammar and ortography, please, tell me, I don't mind, you'd be helping me a lot.
> 
> Again, for reasons, Jay is a red head with dyed black hair. There may be a confusion with Barbara and how he met Jay and Dick, what you need to know is that Barb was mutual friend of both of them, that's all.

And just like that Jason knew. He was an idiot. What was he thinking? That he would ever have a chance with someone like Tim? Of course not. It sucked, he wasn’t gonna lie and pretend it didn’t, it hurt like a bitch.

 

Jason and Tim had been going out of the library, both starving and sleepless, with pale skin and bags under their eyes, fucking final’s week, it was kicking their asses. They were just walking when Kori showed up from behind the bushes, hugging Jason tightly and smiling big and pretty, saying she had aced her lessons, talking to Jason and ignoring Tim ‘til the last moment, ‘til she had to say good bye, not even getting closer to him, standing two feet away and waving her arm.

 

Weird. That was weird coming from Kori, the ever sweet, nice and friendly Kori, but Jason let it pass.

 

It must be a weird day because twenty minutes later Kori came up again, out of nowhere, sliding her arm around Jason’s and walking beside them, while Jason and Tim were on a quest for coffee, asking if their day was over and their destiny. She stood in line, never leaving Jason’s side, opposite to Tim. Tim was looking for some loose change to pay for his drink, kind of left out of the conversation and then just looking at them, a feet away from the redheads.

 

It was throwing Jason off, Kori clinging to him and making cute faces even saying a ‘You don’t love me anymore’ with faked hurt and a lot of mockery on her voice.

 

‘But I do love you’ answered Jason, hugging her and kissing her neck softly.

 

Then he turned to see Tim looking away and getting the French fries he had also ordered. Kori walked up to him, helping him with the bottles of cheese and ketchup and then accompanying them to sit near the library, snuggled together to get a bit of warm among the icy wind of late November. Kori was wearing the thin hoodie she always wore when it was cold, Dick’s hoodie. Taking some not entirely cooked fries from Tim, leaning over Jason, smiling at him.

 

Jason was trying really hard not to question what was going on, with Kori being so unfriendly to Jason’s best friend, with Tim moving away slowly, trying to get unnoticed. Then Kori got a call from her sister, Kom, asking her to pick her up; Kori sighed and stood up saying good bye to Tim and then leaning, almost hoovering, over Jason, staring at his lips and kissing him softly then walking away in a pretty picture of long limbs and wavy red hair blowing on the wind.

 

Tim kept himself a feet away from Jason until the cold was too much, until he had to press his arm and leg against Jason to get some warm and then things went south.

 

Somehow, their usually casual, friendly chat, where they would go on and on about books and movies and Jason trying to convince Tim to read Watchmen and see Star Wars turned into Tim talking about Steph. About Steph that was gonna meet her grandfather for the first time, about how Steph’s mother was ignoring her again and about her new work as a private driver; about Steph finally accepting to see a therapist; and Jason, being the one with the most experience with shrinks tried to calm Tim with things like _‘doctors don’t pry at you’, it’s always what you want to tell them, at your time’_.

 

And Tim was again with the phone at his hand, just holding it and staring at it. Jason was too tired to get some filters, so while he was trying not to fall asleep with the ramble of Tim about long distance relationships he just went on and once he started he wasn’t gonna stop to even consider if his words were kind.

 

‘You know, I think you’re scared, I see you feel something for her but I don’t think you’re sure, like… Like you don’t know if she’s gonna get better. I mean, don’t get me wrong but she’s using you as an anchor and if she loses you she’s gonna fall really hard and I don’t think you want that kind of regret… that weight over your shoulders’ mumbled Jason, with his head over his knees, watching the lights of the city behind the fields.

 

Tim felt silent for a while.

 

‘You wanna know how’s it feel like to fall in love and then get your heart broken? It’s like when your pal Conner died, it feels something like that’ Jason said looking sideways at Tim’s big surprised eyes. ‘It’s horrible’ Jason stared ahead at the guys playing football in the field, remembered his mother and then he remembered Dick. Yeah, it had been that horrible. Jason was expecting getting a punch from Tim for saying something like that, get some insults and _‘it’s totally not like that, you asshole’_ … But it was Tim, the kid that had never fallen in love, ‘til now.

 

‘If you cry count as falling in love?’

 

‘Yes. Yes it does’ Jason exhaled, closing his eyes, not entirely blocking the memories of Dick sad face, of Dick’s tears and hurtful words from the fights they always had.

 

‘Then I think I’m in love with her.’

 

Somehow that got Jason to talk, talk about anything else to avoid the painful stabs at his chest, about the time he went to see a band at a bar with Roy and some friend and Dick was there with Barbara and it had been uncomfortable to the point Jason got wasted after Dick and Barb left, crying over Roy’s shoulders, crying about how much he missed and loved Dick, Roy hugging him tightly saying ‘I know’ over and over again while they waited for their cab, and then crying over the warm leftovers Roy’s mom served him at four am. He still remembers Roy and Roy’s mom sad smiles, watching him drink some coffee, watching him eat with fat tears falling form his eyes. That’s something he never told anyone, it’s a topic Roy and Jason avoid.

 

Somehow he told Tim and Tim was left speechless and that was the trigger, Jason talked about Dick, about how they used to fight, how he got almost hit by Dick’s father when he found out, about the text messages they used to send to each other until Barbara found them and called Jason one early morning, getting Jason on the phone but remaining silent and about the text from Dick telling him Barbara had his phone…

 

_Don’t answer._

 

Jason closed his eyes again and mourned in silence.

 

‘Did I told you about the time I almost asked Dick and Donna to date me at the same time, like in a polyamorous relationship?’

 

‘Donna? Your ex?’

 

‘Yeah, you should have seen. I invited both on a date at a bar, she was walking in front of us and fucking Dick was staring at her ass’ Jason laughed remembering the expression on Dick’s face when he saw her and the approving nod he gave him.

 

‘You kidding.’

 

‘No, for real. I’m not that much into butts, I’m more a legs, hair and eyes that butts and boobs… Dick is the idiot. They sat at the table talking about bands I don’t listen to and laughing and I think they liked each other enough. I mean, I loved Dick, Donna loved me and I loved her, it was perfect but I got cold feet at the moment and never said it so that was my only chance. Who knows, we could be now living together at a nice apartment, maybe… ‘And then Jason remembered: ‘Barbara was already pregnant with John.’

 

Tim just stared at him.

 

‘I mean, I’m happy for them, Dick always wanted a family, he got Barb and John and they’re happy, even Barb is getting done with her major soon. But it still stings.’

 

Then Tim hugged him, gave him a light pat on the back, it was an awkward embrace, almost as if Tim didn’t know how to comfort someone, which he didn’t.

 

‘I think they got another kid, I’m not sure, I’ve just seen Dick picking up Barbara this month and I try to stay away from them, I got enough with the nasty looks Dick’s brother gives me every time we see each other, I hate that guy, he’s so annoying. But I think they’re gonna have another child, Roy said something like that, maybe the child is already born, who knows’

 

Tim said nothing. Jason was regretting talking so much but his sleep deprived brain was taking every chance to spill his thoughts and with Tim at his side, all thought were about Dick.

 

Maybe it was the blue of their eyes that confused Jason so much, maybe it was the brunette and blue eyes combination that Jason liked so much, maybe it was that Tim and Jason friendship was a mirror of Dick and Jason’s right before Dick had gotten wasted and tried to kiss and bite Jason’s cheek, right before Jason got the courage to lean over and kiss him.

 

He really needed some sleep or at least for the caffeine to finally kick in.

 

He kept hugging his legs while going down on the sad road on his mind, he just accepted at loud, in front of Tim that his relationship with Dick wasn’t as awesome as he always make it seem. There was no way to take back those words, even if he never said, explicitly _‘Dick and I fought thrice a month, Dick and I used to send each other hurtful texts when we were pissed at each other, Dick and I cheated on each other when we were hurt’_.

 

And then Jason was feeling like an idiot, it was his fault but at the same time it wasn’t. The shrink told him. Dick always tried to keep the appearances, always trying to look like your every straight neighbor that would only date pretty girls, damn that’s how he and Barbara got involved the first time, with Dick trying to convince his father that he had nothing to do with Jason beyond being best friends… Jason had some fault with them being together, after all Dick and Jason had fought before Dick asked Barbara out, under the warm and satisfactory feeling of revenge.

 

God help them, they were always very resentful for each other, they never trusted each other that much. Jason felt bad when he thought about that. Dick was too afraid of letting his parents down, dating a guy and dropping college before he even started, too afraid of admitting that he was in love with Jason but never missing a chance to point that he was risking so much for Jason so he should appreciate it. And Jason, well, he tried to make himself feel better thinking he was young and stupid but that wasn’t true, Jason was so angry Dick were always on edge and afraid that someone would see them together that in stupid immature vengeance he went and started dating Donna and well, Jason already knew he was and always be a piece of shit.

 

Them Tim said something about stop loving people after a while that got Jason thinking.

 

‘But, well it’s just my opinion, so don’t listen to me’, muttered Jason, avoiding eye contact ‘I think that when you fall in love with someone you will always be in love with them, even if the relationship was shit and that, I think that some part of you acknowledge it wasn’t perfect but at the same time cherish the good moments, and over all, the good feelings, maybe that’s why we always remember the pink soft story with fondness and avoid the bad, sad part.’

 

Jason sighed, it was what happened to his relationship with Dick, and he usually would forget the fights until something would trigger the bad memories. But the good moments, the ones that left him thinking he was the most lucky guy, the ones that made his heart beat faster and longing for love and ‘go back’ to the good times, those moments, even if it was bad for him, were the thing that kept him hoping for a better future, for the chance of falling in love.

 

He was so messed up after all. Trying to get a second chance with Dick using Tim instead, as if that would ever work, as if Jason could ignore that Tim has just confessed he was in love with Steph and had cried for her.

 

‘I don’t know, dude. Don’t listen to me, I’m even considering to say yes to Kori’ and he was, it was becoming a frequent thought, just saying yes to Kori and forget about everyone else, but he was still unsure, still afraid of falling in love and get his heart broken the way it happened with Dick and Donna. He was just so sick of feeling miserable, sick of making people feel worthless because of his own stupidity.

 

‘But is she interested in you…? Oh, wait. Yes, she is, it’s too obvious.’

 

Jason laughed because he had to. Yes, it was pretty obvious, it was more obvious than ever after that day.

 

When the caffeine finally decided to spare Jason more regretful moments he looked sideways at Tim and sighed in defeat.

 

Tim, the gorgeous human being sat at his side, looking at the stars above, the wonderful kid whose presence was the only thing that could bright Jason’s days lately. Tim, the most intelligent and caring person Jason had encountered in years, the one that had made Jason wonder and long for a relationship five years after Dick left.

 

Everything was over. Jason was a good looser, he would accept defeat and step back, at being just a friend for the boy and support his relationship with Stephanie. Because it was pretty obvious something had changed, maybe not, maybe it got just clearer; Tim was not in love with Jason, he wasn’t even attracted to him and everything was in Jason’s head because he was too desperate for love, too sick of being lonely and too scared to risk himself with someone else.

 

Jason had accepted that he was just trying to rectify his relationship with Dick using Tim because he was a bad, shitty person.

 

But the next days proved to be difficult because every time Jason tried to step away from Tim and keep everything strictly friendly, the younger man would seek Jason’s embrace; Tim would stare at Jason as if he were precious, would bump their arms and shoulders every time he could, would step inside Jason’s personal space, would sit close to him when they were eating and it was killing Jason, if only Tim would go back at the first stages of their friendship and stay, at least a feet away, it would be so much easier to forget that Jason was in love with him.


	3. Abandon Ship or Abandon All Hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently people think Tim and Jason are dating. Jason is trying to get his excitement under control and keep his hopes low. Tim is a party animal and Stephanie is very possessive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to the lovely and wonderful @StormRebel_Love for beta-ing(?) this chapter :'3

 

Jason was genuinely trying to stay away from Tim because after acknowledging his feelings it became harder to hide them; like that night after talking about love, Jason and Tim took the bus and before parting ways they chatted for a bit about nothing in particular and he saw Tim shivering and acting on impulse he took his favorite scarf, the one he stole from Dick, and covered Tim’s neck with it. Tim stood still and content and Jason wanted to throw himself in front of a bus after covering his affection with a poor excuse of being overly protecting with his friends, babbling nonsense and sending Tim away.

 

He scampered to his bus stop, cringing and hating himself for being too weak, hoping that Tim’s exhaustion would benefit Jason so he would never have to recall that moment again.

 

*****

 

With Christmas break right after that, he didn’t have to worry that much about seeing Tim and fucking up again, they would tag each other on memes and pretty much leave each other alone, making plans to meet and then cancelling at last minute for one or other reason.

 

Right after Christmas he got a message from Tim and he choked on his own spit as he stared down at his phone for a whole minute, his heart aching and his breath shortening.

 

**_Tim:_ ** _They’re gossiping about us_

**_Jason:_ ** _About what?_

**_Tim:_ ** _That we’re dating._

**_Tim:_ ** _I’m talking with Garfield right now_

 

Jason’s soul left his body for a moment as he fumbled with this phone before taking a deep breath and laughing as if Tim were in front of him, feigning nonchalance as he replied:

 

**_Jason:_ ** _Hahahahaha you’re kidding_

**_Jason:_ ** _Actually I think they took too long to say something like that._

**_Jason:_ ** _Who said that?_

**_Tim:_ ** _Apparently Tara_

**_Jason:_ ** _you’re kidding me, really?_

**_Tim:_ ** _Why do you say it took too long?_

**_Jason:_ ** _I think that’s Tara’s way of expressing her contempt_

**_Jason:_ ** _She’s still not over your rejection_

**_Jason:_ ** _Because it happen before, with Dick, but we dated after that, we liked each other, it was pretty obvious_

**_Jason:_ ** _People tend to think that because you’re close to someone you are dating them or you want to get in their their pants, it’s pretty stupid, they seem to forget that friendship exist and that you can actually hug your friends without being gay or having sexual connotations_

**_Jason:_ ** _It’s like with me and Roy, you know we’re pretty close and we hug a lot and stuff and people think we’re a thing, it happen with all my friends, really… And with me being a teddy bear, well…_

**_Jason:_ ** _I’m Olaf, I love hugs xD_

**_Tim:_ ** _Yes, I get it, screw people that think everything has to be sexual_

**_Tim:_ ** _As if two guys hugging have to be gay_

**_Tim:_ ** _People are stupid_

**_Jason:_ ** _Yeah_

 

And then Tim sent screenshots of his conversation with Garfield and yes, Garfield was telling that everyone thought they were dating, from their mutual friends to everyone on Tim’s courses, they didn’t even study the same major but everyone seem to think they were together. In the pictures Tim was clarifying they were just friends, **_besties_** , Jason sighed resigned until he read Garfield’s _‘but you’re both bi?’ ’For real, are you fucking Jason?’_

 

Jason’s soul was leaving his body again.

 

Tim dismissed the whole thing repeating they were just besties but something deep inside Jason flared at the question. There was hope, a tiny bit, just a tiny bit but that was enough for Jason to hold onto.

 

He was going to slam his head against the wall.

 

He was shaking slightly, thankful that the whole conversation was going through chat instead of face to face, Jason couldn’t have been able to hold his expression in person, he was pretty transparent with his emotions and somehow everything could be read on his face. Jason asked another question and then changed the topic, added some memes and texted his goodbyes. He was left thinking, going through the pictures on his gallery, re-reading Tim’s friend question and was making his heart flutter with hope.

 

Tim was bi.

 

Tim was bi and holy shit Jason’s heart was clinging to that with so much force it was ridiculous. And it was pretty silly to think that just because they both we’re bi something could happen between them. Tim was not Dick. Jason has to reprimand himself, he had to remember that Dick wasn’t there, it was Tim and Tim was different. But still, his hopes were alive, tiny but strong in his gut that what happen between him and Dick would happen again. He desperately needed to get a second opinion on this, maybe tell Roy, sure he could help him decipher if what was going on was Jason trying to replace Dick, Jason being afraid of loneliness or Jason in love with Tim.

 

But Roy was a bit busy and he was in no position to help Jason at the moment, his thing with Jade still fresh, and sadly, Jason wasn’t the kind of person that would impose his problems on his friends, he was the kind that would suck it up and stand in front of his love ones in distress to face whatever threat were aiming their way, he was the kind that would start throwing punches and insulting every single idiot that dare to wrong any of his friends or family; meanwhile he would bottle everything inside and overthink and distress himself so much with his own insecurities and problems that at the end he would drop any hope or feeling after letting them consume him and then he would feel pretty stupid for letting a small tumble become a huge fall into the abyss. Sadly, so much that Jason would avoid everything that would remind him of the matter in question, with bottling everything and never reaching for advice or until it was too late, he had let pass huge opportunities, like, some very good chances at love after Dick just because he was too traumatize and insecure to act on them or to even consider them a possibility.

 

So, he wasn’t gonna bother Roy, he wasn’t gonna bother Artemis, Bart, Danny or anyone, he was gonna act like a man, suck it up and forget about Tim being bi, he was gonna put a straight face and remain stoic while facing the situation; and just thinking that was making his heart ache, his head was pounding and his soul was mourning and he had some flashbacks of the times he blocked his own happiness and memories of Kara and Rae went vividly on his mind along old songs and tastes and he was getting depressed but already missing whatever relationship he could ever have with Tim.

 

Jason’s mind was the worse and more brutal enemy Jason ever had.

 

As days passed by their routine went to tag each other in memes and sending some messages or Jason trying to convince Tim to watch Star Wars, some late pictures of Christmas presents and some of new year’s eve until the weather got a little better, a little more bearable and both, Tim and Jason sent each other the same message, asking when they were going to go to the library. As expected, for sneaking so much lessons, they had failed some classes, Tim only one, Jason’s list was always growing; Jason couldn’t balance school with anything else, beside he was always late and professors were mostly giving him Fs for that, attendance was another one of his greatest enemies.

 

So they made plans to study for recovery exams to avoid re-taking their failed courses, Jason got early and chose to sat outside, reading a battered copy of Frankenstein and freezing his ass on the cold and hard pavement. He had sent pictures of some of his favorite passages and even said that he shipped Frankenstein and his creature. Tim said hi to Jason forty minutes later than they originally accorded but Jason smiled, brushed his pants off and walked with him into the warm library, sitting side by side at a huge table, somewhere away from the rest of the college students lurking around.

 

Jason was trying really hard to stare away from Tim, he was being successful at certain degree but he was struggling; he had always been pretty obvious when he was into someone, he would be either too straightforward or made a fool of himself if he couldn’t help it. Jason was talking to Tim more than what he was actually writing or reading, they would laugh instead of anything productive and the topic of the conversation with Garfield was brought back and Jason was the one to bring it because he couldn’t help it, he had done it unconsciously.

 

‘He didn’t say anything else?’ Jason was about to throw himself over the stairs but Tim seemed interested on the conversation and turned to look at him, Jason avoided his eyes and instead stared at his poorly done notes.

‘Gar? No’

‘I don’t know dude, I think it was Tara’s way of getting revenge for rejecting her’.

‘Whatever. I don’t like her, she’s way too formal, like, who says I love you before you start dating… And after being rejected two times already, she’s crazy’ Tim sighed in frustration and collapsed on his chair and Jason spared a single glance at his legs, at the new boots Tim was wearing, the tight black jeans and he stopped there.

‘I just never thought she would be like that, she always seemed like a level-headed person. I can’t believe she said it, she’s probably pretty upset… To invent something like that’ he mumbled the ending words, staring through the giant window at his side. He was hoping he was being convincing enough but he couldn’t be sure considering he wasn’t looking at Tim’s eyes for fear of showing more than what he wanted, for fear of being too obvious, too clear.

‘Gar said she’s been at us because she’s a homophobe and hate queers’.

‘That’s fucking stupid’ scoffed Jason and glanced at Tim.

‘I know’.

‘That’s why she’s single and why your friend Garfield dumped her’.

‘Maybe, she’s pathetic’.

‘As if with that Garfield would take her back. I told my friend, Artemis, about this and she was like _‘I’m gonna punch her, no one messes with you’_ she went nuts when I told her we lived closed, that she was practically my neighbor’.

‘Let her, I’ll help. No one mess with us’.

‘Nah dude, you know I don’t do violence that way, I like to plan the slow demise and torture of my enemies. But it’s nice to feel loved and cared for my friends and knowing they would stand for me and hit people’s faces to defend my honor’.

‘Yeah, it’s nice. It doesn’t help though, I still want to watch her fall from the stairs. We should make her trip when she walks by…’

‘You’re pretty violent for someone your size’.

‘I want revenge’.

 

Jason laughed and felt at ease, he thought he could handle his emotions, he could overcome his crush or whatever it was, but then Tim went back to the topic Jason dread the most.

 

‘You remember that I went to a bachelor party the other day? For my cousin’s weeding?’

‘Yeah. I’m still traumatized for your behavior. I can’t look at you knowing what kind of a party animal you are’.

‘Why?’ Tim laughed and Jason was internally cringing, avoiding the image of Tim drinking and getting lap dances and being touched by a bold stripper and getting his ass slapped and Tim enjoying it so much.

‘It’s just, you’re so cute and young. I cannot picture you in sexual situations. It’s like ruining my childhood or something. You look so nice and pure and then you tell me you almost went to a private room with her and all the stuff you did, it’s like, you destroyed my concept of you being a good boy, like telling me Santa doesn’t exist’.

‘Santa doesn’t exist’.

‘Fuck you, I know that, but it feels like that’.

‘Well, whatever. You remember. The thing is Steph asked me why I didn’t chat with her that night and I told her I have been at the bachelor’s and then she was like _‘what did you do’_ and I told her that I had done what you do at a bachelor party but she was insisting and I was like _‘you don’t wanna know’_ and she was like “ _tell me, did you do something wrong?’_ ’.

‘Oh no, she went crazy, right?’

‘Yes. I told her that there were strippers and that at first I was shy and my family gave me a beer and then the strippers came and everyone went wild and I was at a corner clutching my beer but then my dad pushed me in front of a girl and that the girl was really pretty and everyone was cheering me up so I went along’.

‘Oh dude, what did she say? I think Stephanie is a bit possessive with you’.

‘She’s. She was like _‘what else did you do’_ ’.

‘You had to tell her everything?’

‘Ahm, yes?’ Tim shifted on his chair and looked at Jason, with pleading eyes.

‘Alright, what else?’

‘I told her about getting the lap dance and dancing with her and the games we did and that I got a picture with her and that she touched my butt’.

‘You didn’t told her about the private?’

‘No, she was crazy about everything, imagine if I had told her. She was like _‘I’m so disappointed, I thought you were different, how could you betray me…_ ’’.

‘Dude, you’re not dating! She was the one that cut YOU away and dated that guy and then she thinks that after breaking your heart she can come and tell you that YOU DISAPPOINTED HER? What the fuck, Tim? Please tell me you didn’t fell for it!’

 

Tim’s face say it all.

 

Jason usually handle well when his crushes were dating or almost dating someone but if there was something that riled him up and left him feeling like throwing punches was when the people he loved was stuck in love with dickheads that only used them to increase their stupid egos and self-stem breaking his loved one’s hearts. And even if Tim was head over heels for Stephanie that couldn’t cover the fact that Steph broke Tim’s heart in the past.

 

Tim had met Stephanie through facebook. They started talking thanks to a fan page and then she was flirting with him and Tim was liking her more and more and then they were chatting every night through messenger and then one day out of the blue she said they couldn’t be friends anymore and disappeared leaving Tim disappointed and feeling like crap; then she came back to mess him up again and Tim found out she had dated a guy and that they have been living together; Stephanie even told him that she cut away because the guy was one of her friends and the guy was in some trouble so they faked having a relationship and then there was some gangs involved and, pretty unbelievable and stupid if you asked Jason but Tim bought it and they went back to talk every night.

 

That happened right before Jason and Tim became friends.

 

Tim showed Jason the conversation and that just made the latter furious but he controlled himself, he saw Tim’s guilty expression. Tim was very passive and not in the sexy way, he complied to everything Steph asked him, he pretty much admit he was wrong for enjoying a lap dance at a fucking bachelor party and that he had wronged her.

 

‘I want to punch some sense into you, you know? You admitted to cheat on her? You’re not dating, Tim, she can’t do that’.

‘I know but well, she’s been acting cold, she said that she was gonna date some men and that she was gonna tell me when she dates one…’

 

Jason zoned out the last part, he was two second away from yelling of frustration and slapping Tim’s face. Why did he always had to fall for people like that? Dick wasn’t any different, he would let is parents control every aspect of his life, even his relationship with Jason; they were the main reason they split and the main reason Dick got together with Barbara. Apparently Tim was controlled by his romantic interest, Jason couldn’t decide which one was worst.

 

‘Goddamnit’ Jason exhaled shaking his head.

‘Don’t get mad’.

‘Whatever’.

 

They talked a little bit more, mainly Jason repeating that Stephanie hadn’t the right to say those things or treat him like that and that he haven’t done anything wrong. The rest they tried to do some work and discussed where they would go for lunch.

 

*****

 

They wandered through the food area at the mall, deciding to go downtown instead and getting some burgers, Jason going for extra fries taking almost half an hour and Tim waiting for him saying he didn’t like to eat alone and Jason feeling like crap. They gave a final stroll near the ice rink still on business and then when the cold became unbearable and Jason was shivering on his jacket. The ride back was uneventful, Tim dozing off and Jason standing guard on the first bus and then going their separate ways toward their respective bus lines.

 

Jason was trying very hard to ignore his gaiety at Tim’s relationship downfall with Steph. He was a bad person, a bad friend, but even if he didn’t get a chance with Tim he was happy that at least that toxic thing was falling apart. He couldn’t help but feeling a little bit better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was suppossed to upload this a month ago but well, things happen. Hope you like it.


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